Unfortunately this is true for many of us. We self-sabotage relationships. A lot of it has to do with being insecure in relationships. Let’s sort this mess out…
We adopt your feelings as our own, and it hurts.
Whatever you feel, we know. We feel it too.
While this generally makes us really great partners who can be empathetic to your pain, it has a dark side. Sometimes we sense that you are feeling down, and we attribute it to our own action, even if your mood has nothing to do with us, i.e. “she must be angry over something I did”. Despite your anger being totally unrelated, it doesn’t stop an INFJ from demanding to know why you’re upset. If you don’t tell us and we can’t figure it out, we shut down and become cold. It’s as if a switch is flipped and we unconsciously think, “fine, if she won’t let me into her emotions, I’m not going to let her into mine.” Thus begins the relationship-sabotage.
We are kinda, sorta paranoid
We are naturally paranoid about the intentions of other people.
We are prone to think you’re cheating on us, we are prone to think you are using us, and we are prone to think you are trying to distance yourself from us. This likely stems from our active imagination and how vividly we can imagine your actions going in either direction – good or bad. Even if you give us every indication that you are faithful, loyal, and happy in the relationship, we will always have this niggling doubt that we need to suppress. In a time of stress or if you give a stronger indication that our suspicions are correct, we will erupt with accusations that may really catch you off guard. An unhealthy INFJ may not even really believe what they’re accusing you of. They are just testing your reaction. Very mature, right?
We are idealists, and we idealize romance
Two years into our relationship, you’ve just burped at the dinner table for the third time, and you won’t put down your phone. We used to have deep, meaningful conversations at the dinner table, or playfully drape a noodle over our top lip like a noodle mustache. This relationship, the INFJ thinks, is not living up to the romantic ideal I had at the outset.
Meanwhile, the INFJ has started to develop a crush on the cute, new intern who he talked to for nearly an hour at our last work happy hour. Not that the INFJ would ever cheat, but he’s beginning to think about what a future with her might be like. His imagination runs wild (wilder than any other personality type’s imagination, likely) thinking about how exciting a vacation with her might be, or how fun dinner on a Tuesday night might be – the way it used to be with you. Although this is yet another imagined ideal, it’s sounding really good. Good enough that he may begin pushing you away…